May 2013
6 posts
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Dreams
Good dream: Can’t remember details or pleasant feelings, while desperately clinging to vanishing memories of the cute, dream girl’s face. Bad Dream: Can’t stop hearing the horrific screams, even while awake, and relive the visuals of people being torn apart by lions every time I close my eyes.
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Knock knock... knock knock....
I have social anxiety, so i never get knock knock jokes. I just hide until they go away.
♥ shamp
7 inches?
Girls overestimate the size of spiders in the same way guys overestimate their penises.
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April 2013
15 posts
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Workplace Politics
If I was a cashier with a vendetta, I’d finish every exchange by saying “You’ll pay for this!”
♥ shamp
Anonymous asked: i really like that jumpash guy he seams cool and really hot, you should do more comics with him in. do you know his number i'd like to talk to him about or you know life and stuff, the ups and downs. oh sigh frist time i drink after 26 days and it goes to my head
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Conspiracies.
Alex Jones thinks he’s Three Dog, but really he’s President John Henry Eden.
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The Strokes.
Listening to the new Strokes album is like crawling through the broken shards of my favorite shot glass.
♥ shamp
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Mosquitoes
Sometimes a mosquito is buzzing around me and i kill it before it even gets a chance to bite me. Then as i look down at the black smear it left behind, I feel bad because I never know if she intended to bite me or not. I do the same thing with relationsips.
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Why Do I Do This To Myself?
My hobbies include reading the comments sections on web pages and getting frustrated by the sheer stupidity of people I don’t know.
March 2013
28 posts
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This Story Contains The Word Vagina
In the early 1950’s, the CIA’s Scientific Intelligence Division began conducting tests on unwitting US and Canadian citizens in an attempt to study mind control through the use of mind altering drugs. This is a well established fact, backed by government documents and statements from ex-CIA agents. The study went by the name “Project MKUltra”. During this time, a lesser...
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Board Games
The electronic chess board kicked my ass when we played chess, so i challenged him to a game of “lets be human” and now we’re even.
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Appropriate Clothing.
Some days I just want to pull on my hoodie strings so hard that it crumples around me and I collapse in on myself and wake up in a land of lint.
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Spirituality.
My spirit animal is a Human.
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Cats.
In a cat - human relationship, you are the dog and the cat is the human.
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It’s time to watch Alan Partridge again.
♥ shamp
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Change.
MSN messenger is closing down on Friday. Shouldn’t somebody Make a speech or something? It’s like when the world stopped using rotary telephones. There was no vote. They didn’t kick up a fuss. People just slowly moved on to the next big thing. The rotary telephone modestly crawled into the shadows of nostalgia. Watching, as the world, too busy for it’s laboured,...
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A Poem I Wrote About A Girl I Never Spoke To...
You worked in a chemist, I worked in a cafe’, You’d come in for breakfast, I’d spit in your coffee, So that every time you kissed me, I’d satisfy your craving.
♥ shamp
I’m so insecure like I could be married to my husband of 40 years and I would still wonder if he likes me or not
Death.
I want to go to your funeral even less than I want to go to you house party.
♥ shamp
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Life Lessons.
My son lost his first tooth tonight. He also learned a valuable lesson about drawing on the walls.
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Music.
Listening to reggae when you’re not stoned is like listening to boybands without a cock in your mouth.
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Relationships.
What i don’t understand is, if she keeps getting married to other men and breaking up with me 15 years ago, how is our relationship supposed to work?
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Tattoos.
Tattoos are like children. When someone shows you they got a new one, you have to smile and tell them you like it, instead of being honest and telling them that it’s ugly and they’ve permenantly ruined their body.
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Friends.
Friends are like underwear. At one time I had a lot of them, but now i don’t have any and at some point it just became easier to go without them, than to try and get more.
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Someone needs to do a harlem shake video using vine, and then instead of uploading it to the internet, they should kill themselves.
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Looks at the time; Oh look, it’s Tim Kasher binge and photoshop o’clock.
♥ shamp
February 2013
23 posts
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